We all know the tropes of most horror movies.

Disclaimer: Statements expressed in this article are strictly my opinion. If you disagree or have a different opinion, that’s okay. I’m not an expert on everything. I’m not always right. I’m just writing from my experience as I know it. Your mileage may vary.

Second Disclaimer: Do not attempt anything mentioned in this article in real life. This article is strictly for entertainment purposes. Above all, be safe out in the real world.

There are just certain things no character should ever do. I’ll go through a few that roleplaying game characters might encounter and why they should avoid it. Here are some examples:

  • All of the doors and windows slam shut and lock to prevent the characters from escaping.
    Solution: Why does no one ever think to check what the walls are made of and whether or not they can bust a hole in them? I could understand if it were brick or concrete, but what about plaster, wood, and siding? Unless they’re unable, pick up a chair and start hacking. What’s the house going to do? Protest?
    Sure there’s a hole in the outside wall afterward, but it’s better than the alternative.
  • The power goes out at night. Someone goes down the stairs usually without a flashlight into the darkened basement to check the breaker box.
    Solution: Take a flashlight, a weapon, and a friend.
  • An unseen presence attacks an innocent character at night in a darkened bedroom.
    Solution: Turn on every light in the house on the way through. Look to see what’s going on. Take a cell phone and record everything if possible.
  • Cell service goes out.
    Solution: Is there a land line anywhere? Try it. If nothing else the cell phone still has a camera, microphone and flashlight. Document everything.
  • Cultists are known to be performing rituals in the area.
    Solution: Avoid. Don’t pick up any hitchhikers. Don’t stop to help anyone with their car. If your car breaks down, stay in it and lock the doors. Wait until daylight. Failing that, get out of the car and run back the way you came. Stay in the ditch or in the tree line if there is one.
  • Stuck in a modern building with a monster, ax murderer, or whatever. Phones are down.
    Solution: Pull a fire alarm. If it gets the fire department, ambulance, and cops to the location, all the better. Ain’t no way whatever is chasing you around the building wants that kind of attention. Not to mention all the noise and flashing lights.
  • Being chased through a national park or some other wooded area.
    Solution: Find a river, follow it or even jump in and float if possible. Hide under the bank if necessary. Cling to a log or other large piece of debris facing away from the side your attacker was on. Eventually you should come to a bridge, road, or even a populated area. Scream your freaking head off once you get anywhere near other people and let them know there’s a ______ trying to do you in.
  • Stranded in a seemingly abandoned urban area that should be populated.
    Solution: Pull a fire alarm. Set something on fire. (Be careful with that one.) Honk some car horns. Set car alarms off. Set burglar alarms off. Break a few windows. (DO NOT USE IN REAL LIFE!) If the place is truly abandoned, no one will care. If there are authorities around, you’ve now gotten some attention. Observe carefully before interacting with anyone.
  • Police don’t believe you when you call to report knife wielding alien sasquatch werewolf vampire whatever.  
    Solution: Hang up. Call 911 and report a shooting/stabbing/looting… do not mention the previous call. If that fails, call back and report suspected arson or request an ambulance if you haven’t already. Eventually they’ll send somebody, right? (DO NOT DO THIS IN REAL LIFE!!!)
  • When you’re being chased by ______, you stop because you “think you lost them.”
    Solution: Don’t believe you’ve lost them for one second. Arm yourself, hide, rest, rehydrate, bandage, etc and then run some more. Keep going until you reach the police station or some relative regard of safety beyond random strangers on the street. Never trust the first random loner that’s willing to pick you up in his pickup truck.
  • Clowns.
    Solution: Avoid them at all costs. This is not a joke. Clowns are bad news.
  • Alien parasites, spiders, snakes, etc.
    Solution: Fire is usually a good deterrent. Also fire extinguishers might help. Most nasty chemicals work, but they also work on humans so be careful.
  • Being chased by a ______ in a modern building.
    Solution: Arm thyself. Even a fire extinguisher can get the job done in a pinch. Nobody wants to get sprayed by that stuff. Even if the fire alarm doesn’t work, the automatic sprinklers might. Escaping from the roof is also just as viable as any other exit, but that first step is a doozy so be prepared to climb. Getting out of the building should be priority number one. Don’t go back in for anything. Just keep running until you reach safety. (Police/Fire/Ambulance/Hazmat/Military.)

Please be aware none of these work if you’re in a zombie situation. That underlying situation changes up all the rules dramatically. The rules of warfare apply in the zombie apocalypse. There are no rules beyond, “Live to fight another day.”

We’ll discuss zombie situations in another posts. There are several good resources on this topic. Above all, be safe. Also, please report all anomalies to your nearest Miskatonic University extension office or SCP Foundation branch office. Who else ya gonna call?

Thank you for being here with me today. I appreciate you. Keep it real, but please strive for positivity, too. Please embrace the things that bring you the most joy in your life.