This is going to be a personal share about frustration.

I have plenty of other entertaining and more interesting content elsewhere on this site. I’ve hit a point where I’m just using this article to vent some personal frustration. I’m blowing off steam. Don’t worry. I’m not doing anything crazy.

All is well. Realize I might dump some opinions of unnamed TTRPG content creators. I’m frustrated to no end about a number of recent events and comments made on social media, etc. I’d love to ignore this crap, but it starts adding up until I have to vent steam.

Disclaimer: This is my blog. This is how I see things and how I feel. There is little factual information being presented. If you have issue with anything being presented, please contact me privately on X (Twitter,) Instagram, BlueSky, or by email. Otherwise, there are lots of platforms out there for you to vent your feelings and opinions, too.

If I knew what was best, I’d get off of social media entirely.

There’s a wee catch to that. Love it or hate it, YouTube and other social media platforms such as X (Twitter,) Instagram, Threads, Facebook, BlueSky, and Mastodon are good resources of information about the TTRPG hobby. But it’s an ugly, horrible trade off some days. I’ve said many times that when the amount of crap I’m not willing to put up with tips the scale heavier than any noticeable advantage- it’s time to change something.

It might sound terrible, but what does social media really offer us? After about 15 minutes of scrolling, all I come back with is ennui, Imposter Syndrome, a feeling of failure, and sometimes pure irritation with other people as well as myself. Look at all these people who are living the dream, accomplishing all this cool stuff, going places, having fun… What have I got?

Sometimes the feeling gratitude for the multitude of blessings in my life doesn’t come back until I’ve unplugged. Better unplugged than completely unhinged, I suppose. I try to moderate my own comments when I feel the urge to go off on something that has me triggered. Sometimes I want to go off on someone for being successful. (*I need a new therapist since my previous one retired.)

Jealousy is messed up.

It’s ENNIE Awards season and voting has begun. I’m truly happy for my friends and various creators in several different categories. I know some of them from correspondences over the years. I’d forgotten the ENNIES have a Best Online Content category. I knew the CRIT Awards had one. Universe, how I would love to get nominated for one of those awards.

What frustrates me more, and even causes some jealousy, is when I see products and writers up for these awards and I know in my heart of hearts I could do better. I get that these various awards are just basically a popularity contest and I’m kind of a nobody in the industry. There’s just an irrational disconnect between reality and perceived talent in my mind. Seriously, if some of these folx weren’t endorsed by big  name YouTube content creators, would they have even made crowdfunding? I have doubts.

Unfortunately for me, I have this wonderful wife and four adorable kids to look out for. I don’t have money to travel, and our local conventions are, uh… the few local conventions we do have are really lackluster. If I had the resources (including time) I could so totally throw a convention that would make it onto the map in this berg.

Maybe I just needed to let go of all this negativity and get productive again.

It’s 3:39AM currently. I have to be up in 3.5 hours. I’ve stayed up wayyy too late watching horror movies, playing video games, and gnashing my teeth at a certain YouTube creator. (Not that reporting him on YouTube has ever done any good.) I’ve just hit a point where I can’t let some things go and it helps to write about it.

It’s not good for anyone to keep their emotions bottled up. All that negativity builds up like steam until it just all comes out as anger in the worst unexpected ways possible from what I’ve seen. It’s not worth sitting on it. Feel the negative energy, acknowledge it, and let go. We’re trying to manifest positivity here.

I admire the ASMR community so much sometimes.

I listen to copious amounts of ASMR at night when I’m trying to get to sleep. (Right now, for instance.) I really do admire many of these fine ladies (and gentlemen.) Calming voices and positive affirmations aside, I have rarely seen them feuding on or off YouTube. Maybe it’s because they have a more respectful, laid back, loose knit community or maybe I just don’t see the same kind of bickering we have in the TTRPG community. (And I hope I never see ASMRtists bickering.)

TTRPG content creators kinda lift each other up over on the ampersand game end of the hobby. Personally, I’d rather shill for Shadowdark and Dragonbane. I love game companies with good Public Relations and friendly staff. Maybe that’s the difference in ASMR? I’ve seen the same sponsor on multiple different creators’ content on one night.

Like, ASMRtists tend to collaborate. They’re not constantly chasing clout and swearing at each other because, “That’s not roleplaying. That’s just the GM telling a story to the players. Blah blah blah.” (Same redundant, pedantic, awful comments we’ve heard in three dozen other videos.)

ASMRtists do roleplay videos. Some of them are actually tabletop gamers on the side. There are even some ampersand game ASMR videos if you deep dive into it enough. Not sure how I feel about character creation putting me to sleep because it’s usually too exciting for me. (*Yes, I’m that big of a nerd.)

The toxic nightmare of TTRPG YouTube bleeds over to X (Twitter) and back.

I used to name specific assholes on YouTube, especially the ones who were picking on Matt Mercer until I had a run-in with one of them over on his sad sack droopy drawers excuse for a channel. I’ve since redacted his name from the blog here and pulled my channel trailer off YouTube entirely. It’s not worth pursuing a battle of wits with a toxic nuisance and his 2,000+ rabid followers.

I know the type. Heck, at one point in life I might have been that guy. Now I’ve seen that it’s just not worth holding onto so much damned negativity. At some point, that guy is going to have to realize he’s not God’s gift to roleplaying. He’s not an expert. All he’s doing is tearing down a community.

Then we have this constant overlap with other social media. See also reason 1,138 why it’s important to detox off of social media. The backbiting and bickering is constant in some places, completely nonexistent in others. Unfortunately I suspect the amount of bickering corresponds with the popularity of the platform.

There’s one lady I’m particularly concerned about. A friend and I figured out someday the brothers OSR are going to turn ugly on her, because they tend to do that with a lot of content creators. I once tried to charge in and defend a different content creator in a similar way, and that ended poorly for me. Never again… We can only do what we can do and leave the rest in the hands of God/Universe/Source.

I’m not here for the popularity or the praise.

(*Oh Lordy. I’m not trying to sound like Eminem here.) I’m just happy for some occasional acknowledgement. I’m not in it for the “fortune” and limited fame. Sure, I’d love to earn free trips to be a Guest of Honor at conventions, maybe win an award for the blog, or possibly see my name on the ballot for one of these cool awards. I’d love to sit in on GM panels and talk about gaming related issues. (Now you know what my vision board looks like.)

I think part of that comes from being a Game Master, too. A tiny bit of positive or even neutral feedback goes a heck of a long way when you’ve been prepping for hours and running so long your voice is going out. Sometimes all we need to hear is, “Hey, good game session. Thanks for running today.”

It’s going to sound bizarre, but I want the recognition. At the same time, I don’t like dealing with people necessarily. Yes, contacts in the industry, maybe some collaboration, and a little bit of networking is cool. I’ve been burned too many times to go out and form close bonds with a bunch of people. A lot of gaming industry people are better off at arm’s length as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve been on classroom Earth long enough to know what works for me and what doesn’t. I’m getting kinda woo-woo and far out here, but I promise there’s a point. I’m at my best when I’m on my own just hammering out whatever needs to be done. My coffee mug doesn’t argue with me.

The unfortunate side effect of being in the roleplaying game hobby is having to collaborate with other people. <Shudder.> That means having to talk to them. That means having to go out in public and possibly deal with criticism and toxic assholes. There’s where the Sociophobia kicks in.

Deep breaths. Deep, calming breaths…

It’s become a journey of personal growth as much as trying to build a brand or a writing career. I’m fussy enough that I don’t want to just slap a bunch of stuff up on DriveThruRPG.com just to say I did something. I’m here to say being any kind of content creator in 2024 has massive challenges attached to it.

Back in ye olden days we’d write something and then figure out where to get it published. Or we’d see a publication and keep applying until they maybe accepted something. Now publishing is easy, but public relations and acceptance with a wider audience is just nutz. We’re not even going to talk about any sort of monetization.

I just want to go back to writing about games. I want to put out a Dragonbane adventure. I’ve got an entire fantasy campaign world that just needs a good system right now, too. If that concept works, I have another one ready to go, too. Baby steps. Gotta get up the ladder slowly.

It’s been frustrating lately.

I promised someone I’d make YouTube content just for their product. They’re going to be my first “real” video. I’m excited for it. I have kind of a script going. I’m low key terrified, but I don’t have to go on camera, so I should be okay. Now I just need a day when I’ve got the house all to myself.

I see the big conventions go by again for another year. We’re closing in on school starting and the holiday season is just around the corner from there. It’s gonna get crazier. I think the Fear of Missing Out plays into some things as well. But then there’s the anxiety.

What if I make the video only to see it being used by someone to mock the hobby and denigrate me? What’s that going to do for the channel, brand, etc? Am I really ready for that kind of negativity to come this way? I’m having some doubts.

I mean, I get that there’s always going to be somebody who doesn’t resonate with what I’m saying. There’s always at least one negative Nancy out there with something quippy to say about what I’ve done. That’s pretty normal. I have been around in the blogosphere long enough to see it. But am I ready to see someone just tearing the hobby apart using my video? Yeesh.

Update: I keep thinking, “I have to build the brand.”

I’ve had some time to think and cool off. I’m going to switch up gears a bit and start writing adventures for Dragonbane, Shadowdark, and possibly ICONS. I know ampersand game 5E is the popular thing, but that’s never stopped me before.

Yes, I want to make sales. Lord knows I have enough things I’ve been trying to manifest. I’ve got to start getting my name on the map somewhere. It’s low-key terrifying in some ways. The sharks are definitely out there in the water. I guess it’s time to jump the shark?

If you made it this far into the article, may the Universe bless you with peace, prosperity, and wealth. I tend to lean into my spiritual nature a bit when I’m feeling down or angry and it helps pull me back off the proverbial roof. I love all you folx so much.

Thank you for being here today with me. I appreciate you. Please embrace the things that bring you the most joy.