I’ve felt very out-of-sorts this week.

I honestly thought things would get better by mid-week. I thought maybe my mood would lift Things would start looking like fun again. I’d be more motivated. Maybe my old friend depression would 🦆🦆 the 🦆 off for a while.

This is now the fifth or sixth article I’ve started writing and I still don’t know if I’ll be satisfied publishing it. My blog. My fish. My pond. Come with me on a free writing journey as I try to assuage my writer’s block.

I’m not sure if it’s writer’s block.

I’m really not sure what the 🦆to call it. I’ve just been in kind of a general funk. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by stress right now. It’s a crazy week around here with all the kids’ stuff going on.

I think it’s a little more emotion laden with our oldest graduating. We’re getting near the end of one chapter of their life and entering a new one in about three months. They’ll be going away to college.

Seems like I was that age not that terribly long ago. Well, 34 years ago. Yikes… Do I have to say I feel old now?

We’ve still got ten years to go before the youngest one gets to this point. It all just goes by so fast sometimes. Other times I wonder when the heck things are going to get moving again. I suppose it’s just best not to try to rush things too much. A lot of things only come once.

I used to write letters like this 19 years ago.

I remember before they were born I would type out letters to the child that were just sort of rambling like this. I think I intended to give the letters to them someday when they were old enough. I think I still have the files around here somewhere. That was when we thought we were having one kid.

Four children later, the world looks a lot different to me. It’s gotten a lot more complicated than when it was just one or two. I don’t think people know how much running around accompanies more than one or two kids. Time just kinda went out the window at some point.

The other thing people don’t seem to realize is how limited actual “free” time is when you have a family of six. (Me, my wife, and four kids.) Gaming? What night? Nope. Every night- literally every freakin night is booked up with some kind of activity. Even Sundays.

I have one minor thing going for me, kinda.

I’m basically retired from the workforce due to chronic pain and psychological issues that we won’t get into. So I’m home most days. I’ve still got stuff going on, but I do get a little peace and quiet when all of my kids and my wife the teacher are all at school. That’s presuming we don’t have sick kids, appointments, etc.

That’s kinda cool. I have days where I can go for a walk, meditate, maybe get some writing done and chill. Housework aside it’s pretty cool. Except on days when I’m flared and my phantom hair even hurts, then I’m just glad only my family is counting on me for certain things. Pain is no joke, y’all.

Really, I could go back to just eat, sleep, kids, video games, bed. I actually subsisted that way for about half of 2021. Depression sucks, too. I barely remember those six months, and that’s okay.

But, and this is the huge BUT, it’s not fun or terribly profitable. I’m super happy and grateful for every single cent I do get. However, it’s usually not enough to feed my TTRPG addiction. Maybe addiction is too strong of a word. Umm, obsession? Passion? It doesn’t pay for my books, alright. (LOL!)

That’s how we got where we are now.

My plan was to combine my love for TTRPGs with talking about them daily while designing material of my own. I’m not trying to get rich. I’m just trying to keep myself in gaming books. Oh, and enjoy what I do every day. If you’ve read my blog much this past year, you’ve likely encountered my mantra by now. (Otherwise, stay tuned for an announcement at the end of this one. LOL!)

I have the creative mind for it. For crying out loud, I’ve been doing this thing most of my life. It’s not like there isn’t a massive bank of material just waiting for me. There are still loads of topics we haven’t even touched upon yet. Not to mention all the sweet, sweet new product that pops up every month or even every week.

My thing has become solo gaming as a sort of exercise to help generate even more gaming related stuff. More importantly, my blog here and coming up with new gaming “stuff” are a lot of what keeps me going. That, and coffee, too. Yes, mild mannered Jeff- family man by day, dons his cape and cowl at night to become TTRPG Man! (Swooshing noises.)

The recent hitch in the giddyup.

I started using social media and TTRPG YouTube as a source of news and some inspiration. The combination toxic nature of X (Twitter,) certain negative personalities on YouTube, and a small amount of lunacy on other platforms has become a bit, umm… Draining? Taxing? Toxic?

This week I took a step back from everything from TTRPG YouTube. Guess what’s next on my list. Today I found myself triggered by someone I normally agree with. Usually he doesn’t make me want to throw my phone into the lake. I’m debating about that article right now, too. I don’t think it should take getting triggered before I write about something, though.

Maybe the brief dust-up of words in his comment section was enough. Maybe his intentions are pure and I just sense conspiracies where there are none. (I am the President for Life of the Tinfoil Hat Society, and none shall depose me! I SEE you!) I may have gotten burned a few times recently on similar “offers” and maybe I’m a lot skeptical.

Regardless, he thought I was being rude. I thought I was being honest. I ended up deleting the more conspiratorial part of the comment and apologizing. It’s still the Internet, so I’m sure I’ll never actually hear the end of it. Luckily he’ll probably never read this, so we’re fine anyway.

My innate desire to keep my #ttrpgfamily and #ttrpgcommunity safe from what I perceive to be sketchy behavior sometimes gets the best of me. Ask my kids. They’ll tell you I’m an overprotective parent.

I realized we’re all mostly adults here, but I wouldn’t speak up if I didn’t care at least a little. I overstepped it today. I have to let people discern for themselves whether or not someone is putting out a sketchy offer on YouTube. As I have said many times, it’s up to you all to use your own discernment.

The alternative moral of the story is don’t challenge a big name D&DTuber in his own comment section with an honest opinion or you will probably pay the price for days on end. Like I said, there might be another article there if the whole thing doesn’t blow over. The other point is, arguing with anyone on YouTube is just plain exhausting. Then again, you know what they say about arguing with people on the Internet in general…

What does stepping back look like?

I’m in that weird limbo between what I’m doing isn’t working and what I want to be doing hasn’t fully materialized yet. I know I don’t need another month of watching horror movies and snacking all night. I want to take a month and get back to blogging about TTRPGs. I want to get back to solo gaming if nothing else.

I think the BRP Design Challenge was a neat idea and all, but maybe it’s not for me. I’m going to put my game in and let it go. Maybe I’ve been pinning too much hope onto it. If more comes of it, great. If not, onto the next project.

I’m taking another week off of social media save checking messages and a week off of TTRPG YouTube except for a couple of channels I really enjoy. (The OG GM being one that needs more attention.) I also find a ton of new channels every week, so I’m sure there’s still plenty to watch besides the same tired D&DTubers and rancid, toxic personalities who need to hang it up. I also listen to a ton of ASMR, Law of Attraction, UFO/ET videos and the occasional animated short. I’m also due to catch up on some SCP content, Why Files, and Aliens Revealed Live Hub.

Hopefully I’ll come back in a better mood. I’ll still be blogging. The streak is not going to die on my watch. I’m always here in some capacity. Maybe it’s not a massive step back, but a pause to reflect nonetheless.

Thank you for being here today with me. I appreciate you. Please embrace the things that bring you the most joy.