I Found Out I’m Never Going to Amount to Anything.

The shameless self-pity might be legit this time. Maybe?

Clickbait-y title aside, it’s been a rough day. #RealGameIndustry, despite its good intentions (Maybe?) really just reminds me of how screwed I am. I know Owen K.C. Stephens means well with his posts, but I’m starting to take issue with some of what’s being said, usually by other people.

I seriously doubt Owen reads this blog, but if he does, this is not intended as an attack on him or anything remotely resembling one. For those who don’t know, Owen K.C. Stephens was a key designer for the Star Wars RPG for many years. He’s gone onto do several outstanding things since (more than I can think to list.)  He’s absolutely one of my TTRPG idols. Honestly, I’ve wanted to follow in his footsteps for years.

Owen is also in a fight for his life against cancer right now. I’ve lost grandparents, my own mom, and friends to this hideous disease. If you can spare a few bucks to help Owen K.C. Stephens in his fight against cancer, this link will take you to his Patreon. He is also a fellow blogger if you would like to follow his thoughts here.

Disclaimer: Statements expressed in this article are strictly my opinion. If you disagree or have a different opinion, that’s okay. I’m not an expert on everything. I’m not always right. I’m just writing from my experience as I know it. Your mileage may vary.

I’m having some doubts about how I’ll end up.

I’ve been alive in this Earthly form for 51 years now. I’m starting to doubt I’ll ever leave my footprint on the TTRPG industry or community. I’m having some really serious doubts right now about my ability to do anything. Or whether or not I should even be trying.

Owen K.C. Stephens has enjoyed decades of success in the TTRPG industry. Meanwhile, I’ve had decades of rejections and industry changes that led to having to pivot or change plans entirely. Not to mention 15+ years of working to try to make ends meet. Eat-Sleep-Work-Rinse-Repeat is no way to even have a side hustle. Different circumstances for two different people, obviously.

“Sorry, kid. Come back when you’ve got writing credits with some other company.”

This was the advice I was given by an editor for Dragon Magazine back in the day. I’ve heard it said by multiple iterations of T$R editors, indie magazine editors, and more game company aka industry professionals than I care to think about. I can’t even get a foot in the door with these people.

Given the awesome advice of “get published elsewhere” and lots of rejections, I posed the question to #RealGameIndustry that if there are (allegedly) so many underpaid and underappreciated people in the TTRPG industry, yet I was told “You’ll never make a living selling games,” then what changed?

The answer I got back didn’t agree with me, but it’s mostly true from a certain point of view. It was the age old tale of the few people who did manage to eke out a living back in the olden days or success stories from people who started their own companies. “Oh, it’s so easy” was basically the answer I got back.

Of course, there was the standard issue line about hard work and determination. At which point I threw my hands up because my question hadn’t been answered in the slightest and I was getting frustrated. Nothing has changed. The TTRPG industry, as far as I can tell, is still based on who you know or who you can, uh… make nice with in order to even be considered. (I’m trying to keep this one PG-13.)

To me it just looks like the same old junk, different year.

When was the last time a “big” company put out an open call for writers? When was the last time someone got hired at Paizo (as a writer) by any way other than as a freelancer or being known by a staffer? I won’t even get into Wizards of the Coast and their obvious bullsh🦆t, not that I’d want to work there nowadays. I love how Paizo and WotC (Dungeons & Dragons Studios) just seem to flip employees back and forth. How’s that union working out with the Reptilian overlords at Hasbro these days, anyway?

The few and far between writing gigs I’ve seen go by in the industry have not been for pay, or not been by any company I have previously heard of and for not paid. Getting my name in writing credits for free in an industry that Stephens says undervalues and underappreciates writers is not going to do me any good.

I don’t think people truly understand that the openings just aren’t there. No offense intended. Feel free to prove me wrong.

There’s the sham that was RPGSuperstar. If Glicker is dumb enough to do it again this year, I’m not holding my breath on whether or not it will be fairly run or judged just like last year or the previous years as far as I can tell. I think it’s a cheap way to recruit industry talent for another Battlezoo book without having to pay a going rate for talent. After listening to Glicker stroke his own ego for over a year on Roll for Combat, I’m not sure I’d want to ever work for the guy. Seifter would probably do well to find another boss. (My opinion.)

I’m on disability, so any writing profits are pure gravy at this point.

Would I love to have a full time writing gig? Ya think? That’s only been the dream for 30+ years now.

2024 is probably not the year to be looking for an opening. The D&D staff that was released in December are all still out there looking as far as I’ve heard. Guys like Monte Cook and Owen K.C. Stephens don’t need to recruit new talent because they still have oodles of old talent working under them. Besides, if they needed more talent, they’d make a few phone calls and get other industry vets, not fresh new people.

I’m telling you all, mark my words- Gatekeeping is still alive and well in the TTRPG industry. This is not a direct shot at Stephens or anyone else, either. With all the love in the world, it is still practically impossible to catch a break in the TTRPG industry short of starting one’s own company and creating one’s own game.

The next generation gatekeeping clique has already formed.

I’m biting my tongue really hard right here because some of my favorite writers and artists are involved in what I see as the next generation of gatekeepers in the industry. Multimillion dollar crowdfunding projects are being run by otherwise kind folx who don’t ever look for outside writing help for their projects. Even if they need additional writers, they have a list of established industry vets to help them.

This is back to the ages old problem of how I get the experience to get the job for which I need to have already gotten experience. It’s literally the snake that eats its own tale. Nobody wants to hire me because I don’t have the experience, but how do I get experience if no one is hiring? This happens in a lot of other careers, not just TTRPGs. It’s quite disgusting, in my opinion.

I hate setting all this up as a straw man style argument, but honestly I just want to make nice with y’all industry people and you’re not making it any easier. Calling out the conspiracy or conspirators by name is only going to make it worse. Just once I’d love it if one of y’all would break with tradition and put out a call for new talent. (Like me!)

I’ve said it before- the only good way to get a foot in the door is with my own endeavors.

We’re back to 1989 as far as I’m concerned. The only truly easy way to get published is to do it myself. The advantage of 2024 is that self-publishing is ridiculously easy. The problem then becomes actually selling it. Guess what I suck at.

And to all of the million dollar crowdfunding projects and the dozens of established companies and creators out there- Do you think it will make any difference? Am I more hireable if I have my own game? Nope. At that point I’ll be too busy with my own C+ to try to help someone else, anyway.

The last guy I saw land a job in the TTRPG industry as a writer had his own fairly popular YouTube channel and a bunch of contacts at conventions, on social media and elsewhere. (Again, not naming him. He’s a great guy and deserved a break.) But I’m not that guy.

I’m starting to think the only way I’ll ever see the inside of a gaming convention again is by remote viewing.

Name a convention and a city and I won’t be in it, at it, probably ever again. I’d love to go rub elbows with some of the big names and make contacts at Gen Con or even something smaller, hell- even a local con (in Minnesota, because Iowa sucks.) I’d love to go back out and do all that networking, but I’ve got a government stipend, my wife’s check, and a family to feed. Not to mention all of the stuff that goes on around here simultaneously with con season that will keep me close to home.

I miss going to conventions. I’d run six or seven sessions of various games, all adventures I’d written myself on some occasions. This was back when dedicated GMs were appreciated and Dungeons & Dragons wasn’t the only thing running. I don’t know if my body could handle it, but I’d be willing to try.

To be clear- I’m not owed a damn thing.

I probably should have mentioned it sooner. I’m not entitled to anything. None of us is owed another minute on Earth, much less any opportunity for success in the TTRPG industry. All I want is a shot at getting a regular paying TTRPG gig. I mean, I’ve been trying this long. What’s another 15 years or until the Grim Reaper puts me on speed dial?

What frustrates me probably more than anything is that everything I’ve done leads back to my love of roleplaying games. I know that might sound ridiculous, but it’s pretty much true. College degrees in Journalism (writing, editing, storytelling) and Sociology (people, groups, cultures, behaviors.) I’ve worked behind the counter at two different game stores. Even in my darkest hours I was still reading game books and writing down new ideas for characters, storylines, and other stuff. Do  you know how much time I had to come up with cool gaming stuff in my head when all I had to do was stock shelves at night?

Hitching my horse to someone else’s wagon.

For decades I’ve been putting stuff together for one game or another only to find out they aren’t taking submissions or have no open license as previously believed. I understand small companies with people who are control obsessed in charge. I’m a big control freak myself.

Right now, I’m working on compatible stuff for the Shadowdark RPG open license. The main problem I see is in the payoff. It’s never going to fully be my title. After DTRPG gets a cut, it’s only 70% profit and not really my IP because it was built on someone else’s open license. I feel like uniqueness is a selling point in a year where multiple blockbuster games are competing with the newest release of D&D. Then again, I’m also glad I’m not in charge of a brand new title trying to compete with all that.

If I were to find a fledgling company, as Stephens mentioned on X (Twitter) as allegedly happened back in the day, then maybe I’d be an asset. I’m running onto my 3,000^th word for the day. Imagine how productive that would be toward a TTRPG project. Sure, I need editing and some days I only hit around 1,500-2,000 words. Still, that would require me to work with someone and vice versa.

No, I don’t expect to walk in and be handed a job in the industry. No, I don’t know anyone high up in any company like I did many years ago. I just want a shot at a real full time writing gig. Heck, I’d take a shot at a part time writing gig. But, by no means do I expect to be discovered or feel like the industry owes me at this point. Right now I’m just a guy with a blog and files full of ideas. Maybe a folder full of good ideas. But I’m not asking to be handed anything.

Self-confidence is running at an all -time low right now.

I keep thinking I could just throw in the towel when it comes to ever trying to make it into the TTRPG industry. But I know in my heart of hearts, I’ll just come back to it as a hobby the next day. I’m not going to let go completely. It’s not in my nature.

I could abandon my current projects and start over, I guess. It wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe I could just do some solo gaming, but I’ll end up getting that publishing itch again sooner rather than later. It’s in my nature, too.

I could go back to the tedium of building my own unique TTRPG, but I doubt it would be able to compete  right now. Then there’s the issue with art and probably no crowdfunding. I know what it’s like to back losing Kickstarter campaigns as well as failed ones.

The dream is just that right now- a dream. It’s a dream I’m not giving up on. But damned if it isn’t hard to hang onto sometimes. I keep wondering if any of my idols went through this stage before they hit big. Then again, all of my idols got big back when they were a lot younger than I am now. I keep wondering if I’m going to live long enough to see real success in life.

It’s been real, but this is where I’m stopping for the day.

If anyone involved in #RealGameIndustry wants to drop me a line via my socials, you know where I am. I appreciate the input just not shouted over the comments section or on X (Twitter.) I feel like people are more civil with one another when not publicly chasing clout.

I have lots of love for Owen, Bill, Monte, Sean, Jim, Roger, Steve, Kelsey, Brandish, Micheal, and so many others out there. You guys really do make it happen and I hope to be up in that class someday. I will always appreciate you even if no one else does.

Thanks for being here. I appreciate you, truly. Please embrace the things that bring you the most joy today.